


this is me trying

by theresonatinglight



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: (well no mention of Rey Skywalker), Angry Poe Dameron, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Ben Solo Lives, Ben Solo Presumed Dead, Canon-Compliant, F/M, Grief/Mourning, HEA, Healing, No Pregnancy, Rey (Star Wars) is a Mess, Rey Needs A Hug, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Fix-It, Tros fix-it, angry rey, canonverse, no children
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:54:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25819162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theresonatinglight/pseuds/theresonatinglight
Summary: As Rey approaches the Resistance base, she braces herself. Not just for the jolt of the X-Wing touching down, but also for the sea of people she knows will be waiting for her, seeking answers. Answers she doesn’t have; answers she doesn’t want to give.Right now, all she knows is grief.He can’t be gone,she thinks, even though she knows it’s true.This is no victory. Not for her.a TROS-compliant fix-it // this is me trying // taylor swift // reylo folklore drabble collection
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 12
Kudos: 124
Collections: Reylo/Folklore Drabble Collection





	1. at least i'm trying

**Author's Note:**

> This was written as part of the Reylo Folklore Drabble Collection for the song “this is me trying” by Taylor Swift. I wanted to write a TROS-compliant (well, no mention of Rey Skywalker) fix-it because I want to believe it’s possible to have a future of Star Wars where Ben and Rey can still be together. I felt that this song captures the grief and pain Rey must have felt after he disappeared. It never felt realistic to me for her to be celebrating along with the rest of the Resistance - not after holding Ben as he faded into the Force. So I wrote Rey’s journey to navigate her grief, and in turn, to navigate to Ben.
> 
> Something to keep in mind here is that Rey is grieving; her whole soul hurts. And when we humans mourn, it can be hard to see other people's perspectives since our own feelings are so raw. In this fic, Rey is angry. She argues with Poe, because of her grief and his lack of empathy toward her grieving process. Some harsh words are flung by both parties. But I'm planning an epilogue in which everyone is able to heal. 💙
> 
> Enjoy!

__

__And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound;_ _

_It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you._

\--

this is me trying

As Rey approaches the Resistance base, she braces herself. Not just for the jolt of the X-Wing touching down, but also for the sea of people she knows will be waiting for her, seeking answers. Answers she doesn’t have; answers she doesn’t want to give.

Right now, all she knows is grief.

_He can’t be gone,_ she thinks, even though she knows it’s true.

This is no victory. Not for her.

But she shakes herself, wipes the tears from her eyes, and puts on what she hopes looks like a victorious expression.

As anticipated, she’s greeted by a swarm of Resistance members as she climbs out of the starfighter. Everyone gathers around her, wanting to talk to the Hero – the Last Jedi. Rey wonders what they’d say if they knew the truth: that without Ben Solo, the Knights of Ren might have struck her down before she even faced her grandfather in battle – that she had _died_ fighting Palpatine – that he had then given himself over to the Force to save _her_. There’s no way they would believe her; not now, after their perceived victory over the villain, Kylo Ren; not now, when all she has to show for proof is a set of black clothes, folded neatly in the X-Wing and still smelling like blood and sweat and _him_. No, they wouldn’t understand.

So she puts on a brave face as she smiles and greets her fellow Resistance fighters. She pets BB-8 affectionately, relieved to see that the little droid has made it back. She tries to celebrate with Finn and Poe – tries with all of her strength to share in their joy at their success as Co-Generals. But it’s hard to be here when every part of her feels like an open wound and her heart feels like shattered glass. She knows she should be happy, but she just feels… empty. Hollow. _Broken._

She wouldn’t dare to admit it to the rest of the Resistance, but right now – in the midst of the festivities – she would trade this all in to get him back. Does that make her a bad person? She thinks maybe it does, but she can’t hide from the truth.

How can she still be alive when half of her soul is gone forever?

\--

In the days that follow, Rey puts on a brave face. As one of the ‘Heroes of the Resistance,’ she’s expected to help the Generals reinforce peace in the Galaxy. But it’s not easy work. Politics are… exhausting. Each of the Worlds has its own culture and intricate structure to take into account when the Resistance leaders meet to help rebuild governments displaced by the First Order’s reign. She feels so out of her depth in this realm of negotiations and diplomacy. Most of the time, Rey just tries to listen.

Whenever she’s not in Resistance meetings, she spends her days thinking about Ben. And her nights, if she’s honest. His scent fades from his clothing far too soon, but she can still feel his Force signature when she wears his sweater.

She wears it every night.

She dreams about him – his arms around her in a way she only felt once during waking hours – his rare, beautiful smile, just for her – their kiss replaying over and over in her mind. She also dreams about moments she’s less proud of – charging at him with her weapon drawn – the hurt in his eyes when she refused to take his hand – his pain when she plunged her lightsaber into his chest. She wishes she’d talked to him more; gotten to know and understand him better, instead of blindly and rashly attacking. If only she had known how fleeting their time was, she might have cherished their moments together more. His affection had been right there in front of her the entire time, but she had never realized. If only she’d known he’d felt the same pull… She had held back her feelings for fear of his reaction. Now, she wishes she hadn’t.

Rey works on keeping her focus and fighting skills sharp. She thinks long and hard on the design for her eventual new lightsaber. One she builds by herself, for herself. She meditates – a lot. She tells everyone that she’s doing it to complete her training, to speak to the Jedi Masters. It’s not a complete lie; she does talk to Master Luke sometimes. But really, the only person she wants to see is Ben.

_Be with me._

Rey can never seem to make contact with him. She’s asked Master Luke to help find him, but neither he nor the other Force ghosts have any insight on where he might be found. She questions if he’s even out there, in the Force. But she _saw_ him disappear into nothingness in front of her own eyes. If he’s not there, then where is he? If he really became one with the Force, wouldn’t the Jedi Masters know? His silence is the worst part of all of this. If only she could find him and talk with him, she would be able to find closure. Right?

_Be with me._

It makes her nauseous just to think about how she _felt_ the strands of their bond snap all at once as he faded away. There are a few times, late at night and during her meditations, that she thinks she feels something – the smallest of tugs. But she tells herself it’s just wishful thinking; that the thread between them is well and truly severed, and that she’ll never feel that pull to him again.

_Be with me._

She knows she should give up hope – this isn’t healthy. Longing that he’ll come back for her feels like suffocating, slowly and painfully. After all, no one ever comes back. But that doesn’t stop her from wishing with all of her heart. Maybe someday, she can put this all behind her and really let go of him. But for now, she’s stuck just _trying_.

\--

In the days following the initial celebration, Rey had tried to find the words to explain what had happened on Exegol. She had shared her experience with the rest of the Resistance fighters, and while most had acknowledged Ben’s sacrifice as heroic, no one had understood or cared to learn of the depth of his manipulation by Palpatine. It had hurt her heart to know that they were happy to put both Kylo Ren and Ben Solo behind them as a tragic figure, redeemed by death. Even more painful had been encounters with those who challenged her loyalty to the Resistance. After all, if she had been connected to Kylo Ren all of this time, why hadn’t she used the bond to infiltrate the First Order? Why hadn’t she been able to turn him? She still doesn’t know the answer.

It feels like everyone else is drifting away from her. Or perhaps more accurately, like _she’s_ drifting away from everyone else. As the weeks pass, she finds herself withdrawing more and more, preferring to spend as much time as possible by herself. She even takes her meals alone now. Rey keeps telling herself she’ll make time for Finn and Poe outside of their meetings (which she keeps trying to excuse herself from) or for Rose and Chewie, restoring starships, but she never does. If she’s honest with herself, she could make more of an effort. But at the same time, it’s not easy to spend time with them – not when they’re moving on while she’s falling apart.

They had all lost friends and loved ones during the war. She’s not blind to the Resistance’s collective grief. It’s not _just_ Ben’s death she’s mourning, after all. But she’s the only one mourning him, and that makes her sorrow all the more potent.

She’s working on her new lightsaber design when she senses Poe approaching brusquely, Finn following close behind. She looks up. Poe is _pissed_. _No,_ she thinks, _not pissed – brimming with frustration._ Finn is… frantic. She stands, squaring her shoulders and readying herself for what’s to come. She wishes she could say it’s unexpected, but really, she’s been anticipating this confrontation for a while.

“Rey,” Poe says, careful to keep his tone even. “We _really_ need to talk.”

Rey sighs. “I’m in the middle of–”

“You’re always in the middle of something. Lately, you’ve been finding every excuse to avoid us – don’t think I haven’t noticed.” Poe raises his eyebrows pointedly.

“Fine,” Rey says. “What do you want to talk about?”

“You’ve been so detached lately. And we understand that you’ve been through a lot and you’re upset about Ky– Ben,” Poe waves his hand, as if to say ‘or whatever,’ “but _we_ could really use your help. Yet _every time_ we–”

“Hang on, ‘we’? So now you’re talking for him, too?” Rey gestures toward Finn, giving him a questioning glance.

Poe replies. “Yes, ‘we.’ Because _we_ actually _communicate_ with each other. _We_ don’t spend our days moping, refusing to talk to anyone.”

Rey’s expression steels, and she’s about to respond when Finn jumps in.

“Hey Poe, dial it back,” he says as he puts a hand on the other man’s arm, his voice quiet but firm.

“I am not moping,” Rey fires back.

“Oh yeah? Well it sure seems like it to _me_.” Poe holds up a hand when Rey narrows her eyes at him, about to speak. He continues, growing increasingly agitated with every word. “Listen, Rey – the Resistance has a _very_ small time window to help the Worlds establish new governments before this all comes crashing down around us. The fate of the Galaxy is literally in _our_ hands. And having a Jedi on our team, talking to the people, encouraging peace, using the Force to rebuild, would _really_ help speed things up.”

“Well, I have news for you. I’m not even a Jedi. The Jedi Order is _dead_.”

“You are to the people. _They_ see you as a Jedi. If it looks like a porg, squawks like a porg, uses a lightsaber like a…”

Rey rolls her eyes.

Finn cuts in, “Besides, not technically being a ‘Jedi’ isn’t stopping you from using the Force to help.”

“ _Exactly._ I thought we were all committed to the same cause. None of _us_ can use the Force like you can. So you refusing to help is making things _extra hard_ for the rest of us.”

Rey’s expression grows cold. “Are you… questioning my commitment to the Resistance? Because I’m grieving?”

“No, not at all,” Finn says.

“ _Yes,_ ” Poe says forcefully.

Finn pinches the bridge of his nose. “ _No,_ Rey, we’re not. But it’s like you’re not even there most of the time. You rarely show up to mealtimes, and you avoid meetings whenever possible. You meditate all of the time, but you have yet to come back with any insight from the Force ghosts. So help us understand _why._ ”

Rey is _livid._ Whenever she had imagined this confrontation – which she did often – she had always assumed Finn would take _her_ side. That he’d understand, intuitively, why she’s been struggling, and fight for her. Finn, her _best friend._ But thinking about it now, she sees more clearly. She’s been isolating herself, even from him. How could he know her innermost thoughts if she declined to even have lunch with him? _I’ll make him understand,_ Rey thinks. _It’s not too late – if I can make him understand, he’ll stand by my side._

So she turns her attention to Finn. “I _do_ want to help. But it’s so hard to concentrate on anything but _him_ right now. Our souls are – were – connected, Finn. He _died_ in my _arms._ I’ve been trying to find him in the Force… Trying to find that part of _me._ It’s harder to focus – to use the Force – without him.”

“I understand, Rey,” Finn says to her, the look in his eyes sympathetic. “You feel like a part of yourself is missing – I get it.”

“Well, I don’t.”

They both turn their heads to look at Poe. Finn’s expression is quizzical; Rey’s is incredulous.

“What? No, you know what, Rey? I _really_ don’t get it.” Poe draws his eyebrows together and sets his jaw. “How can you be this upset? You didn’t even know him a year ago. You had absolutely no idea you were connected then, so why do you feel any different now? You _barely_ know him. He was _Kylo Ren,_ for _kriff’s_ sake! A galactic dictator!”

Rey counters, “Palpatine was in his mind, manipulating him. _His entire life._ You should know, more than most, how invasive that is.”

“That is _not_ the same thing. He probed my mind! It was _torture_. I have nightmares about it, did you know that? I wake up screaming!”

Rey glares. “Yeah, and Snoke and Palpatine tortured _him_ , too. _Over, and over, and over._ Do you have any idea what that would be like? To be tortured not just once, but every single time you made an error – every single time you didn’t do exactly as Snoke commanded – every single time you showed the slightest bit of _humanity?_ ”

Poe looks at her with a look of pure venom. She knows this is the breaking point. And yet, if Poe can’t have empathy for Ben, how can he ever truly understand _her_? She thought he was supposed to be her _friend._

They back and forth, tossing barbs at each other for what feels like _hours_. Their voices and anger escalate until both are infuriated, shaking fingers at each other with fire in their eyes. Poe accuses Rey of betraying the Resistance cause in favor of the very forces they had fought to defeat; Rey accuses Poe of being thick-skulled and not fit to lead a whole Galaxy. Poe brings up Ben Solo’s violent past; Rey brings up Poe’s own impulsive behavior and the many lives it has taken.

Finn has to physically intervene several times, putting a stern hand on each of their shoulders and _pushing_ so they don’t lash out. They’re at each other’s throats figuratively, despite his efforts to calm both parties down. Then, Poe goes for the jugular. “Rey, you’re a _damn fool!_ You know why? Because _you–_ ” he jabs a finger into her shoulder, “endangered _us all_ for the sake of a man who would have left you the same way your parents did!”

Finally, Finn has had enough.

“Guys, you need to _cut it out_ ,” he says, raising his voice for the first time in the conversation. That gets their attention. “I’ve been trying to keep you from fighting for like, half an hour here. This is not productive, _at all._ In fact, it’s the opposite! I can’t – no, I _won’t_ sit here and watch you tear each other apart. If you two won’t listen to me and make peace, I’m out!”

Both stare, open-mouthed, at him for a second before Poe breaks the silence. “I’ll make peace when _she_ agrees to stop pining after her evil Sith boyfriend!” he hisses, and then all hell breaks loose again.

Finn sighs in frustration and walks away, back toward the center of the Resistance Base.

Rey stops in the middle of her retort to watch him as he disappears from view.

“See?” Poe snarks spitefully. “Even he’s leaving you. You’re kriffing _impossible_ to deal with, Rey.”

_Even he’s leaving you._

Rey looks at him, pain radiating through her chest, as though he’s physically wounded her. _Horror, outrage, shame._ The emotions spread like wildfire through her blood, leaving a tingling, aching sensation in their wake. Her hands shake, and she feels tears welling behind her eyes. She thinks back to her parents, abandoning her to her fate on a dry, barren planet. And to Han, Luke, and Leia, one by one promising to train and help her and one by one giving their lives for the cause, none of them leaving even a body to bury. And finally, to Ben, fading away right in front of her, taking their bond with him.

She gathers her things. “Frak you, Dameron.” She spits the words as she turns around, walking stormily back to her quarters.

\--

Rey packs swiftly. Or at least, as swiftly as her falling tears and trembling hands will allow. She doesn’t have many possessions, she realizes. And it’s just as well, as she won’t need much, where she’s going. She stuffs her clothes into a bag, along with her journals and texts. She wraps Leia’s lightsaber carefully in Ben’s clothing, placing these items last. She looks around one last time, searching for anything else worth keeping. Of their own accord, her fingers grasp onto a piece of paper lying on her table. It’s a hand drawn portrait of her, Finn, Poe, Rose, and Chewie - the ‘Heroes of the Resistance.’ She lets out a bitter huff, but packs the paper nonetheless. Maybe someday, she’ll be able to come to terms with her friends’ lack of compassion. For now, though, the hurt she feels is still overwhelming.

And then she leaves.

She takes Luke’s X-Wing – she figures that it’s fitting to bring it back to the place where its prior owner spent so much time. As she flies, she tries to think of things to keep the tears at bay – engine schematics, Jedi texts, and Resistance-drafted government documents flash through her mind. _Just hold out until you get there,_ she tells herself. _You can’t fall apart until you get there._

The vast blue oceans and rocky mountain islands of Ahch-To come into view as she mentally reviews the Millennium Falcon’s wiring diagram for the third time. “Thank kriff,” Rey mutters, beginning the landing sequence.

She lands on a grassy clearing on the side of the island where she first met Luke Skywalker. She stumbles out of the X-Wing, pulling herself and her belongings along toward the small stone dwellings in view. If her so-called friends can’t appreciate how hard she’s trying – how much it’s breaking her to be without _him_ – then she doesn’t have the strength in her to help them at all. She’s beginning to understand Master Skywalker’s self-isolation. The Force gives, but it also takes. The Force has taken so much from her, ripping them from her grasp without mercy: her parents, her life, _Ben_.

When she reaches the dwelling where she’ll be staying, she finally lets her tears fall. And fall, they do. She curls in on herself on the bed, clutching Ben’s sweater to her chest, letting out everything she’s been holding onto since Exegol in big, gasping sobs. She misses the Skywalkers and their guidance; she misses the hope that her parents will come back for her; she misses Ben and the constant feeling of their bond; she misses her friends’ loyalty; she misses herself – the Rey who used to be so sure and confident. Now, she barely even recognizes the Rey everyone else sees: a war hero, a leader, a Jedi. Her heart aches and her body trembles, but for the first time in a long time, her mind is clear. She finds something cathartic in letting herself just _feel_.

As the tears slow, she senses something new. A gentle pull; light, but stronger than she’s felt since _he_ died. She tells herself not to hope, but she feels it in her _soul_. She almost doesn’t want to believe, because if she doesn’t believe, she can’t be disappointed when it’s not real.

But it’s there, and it’s unmistakable.

There’s a silk-thin thread tugging delicately on her heart. She’s almost afraid to move, for fear of breaking the connection. But it’s _real_ – his presence, their connection – and though she can’t see him, it’s enough to rekindle her hope. He may not be here, but he’s somewhere out there, and she’d travel to the edge of the Galaxy to find him and bring him home. In that moment, after months of confusion and hurt, she knows exactly what to do.

_Be with me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! If you liked it, please feel free to leave kudos & comments!
> 
> There is a second chapter, originally considered an epilogue, but then it got too big. HEA guaranteed, pure softness, no children/pregnancy mentioned.
> 
> You can find me on Twitter: [@ellex66](https://twitter.com/ellex66)


	2. all i want is you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this started as an epilogue... but it grew legs, and now it's a full-blown chapter. It's about healing and second chances. <3 
> 
> One of the songs I drew inspiration from for this chapter is "Invisible Thread" by Matt Gould & Griffin Matthews from the musical Witness Uganda. The musical explores the complexities of life and love and how to satisfy a desire to make change with all of the challenges and mistakes they face. 
> 
> Some lyrics that inspired me: "Let him run, let him fly / If you love him, then don't cry tonight / Let him learn all he can / So when he comes home to you / He'll be a better man / There is a long invisible thread / That wraps around my heart / And wraps around your head / It tightens its grip / When things go unsaid / And I can't break free."

It takes Rey a month to find Ben, taking hold of their bond and following wherever it leads.

First, to Jakku, where she spent most of her life. There are so many memories and emotions tied to this barren place - her grief at losing her parents, her rage at being treated unfairly, and her determination to blaze a path for herself. She visits her old haunts, and it reminds her both how far she’s come and what makes her _Rey._

Then, to a lush, watery planet with three moons, covered in purple foliage. There, she meets a kind old woman who tells stories of a daughter who had left the planet, never to return. She says Rey looks just like her. Something inside of Rey stirs, and she promises to come back once she completes her quest.

Next, to Naboo – the planet of her father and grandfather – to Corellia – and so many others, each World holding a significant connection to her or Ben.

Rey registers the bond getting stronger and stronger, as if she recovers a little bit of _him_ at every location, until eventually, it feels as real and tangible as it had during his life. The last stop is Kef Bir, the ocean moon of Endor, and the resting place for the ruins of the second Death Star. _The place where she killed Kylo Ren and revived Ben Solo._ She feels it in her gut; this is where she’ll find him.

_Ben._

_Be with me._

She sits in silence on the fallen ship, hoping beyond hope that this will work. That he’ll _come back._ And then – all at once – he’s there, that invisible thread tying her heart to his head, winding around them as they embrace. He cradles her in his arms, swipes her tears away, and _smiles._

It’s all she dreamed it would be and more. She cups his face tenderly in her hands and kisses him, just like the first time. And this time, as their passion grows, she swears on the Force she’ll never let him go again.

\--

It takes him a year to convince her to return to the Resistance base on Ajan Kloss. At first, she’s unsure. She knows full well the damage she’d done to her relationship with Poe and Finn; how much hurt she had caused. Is that something she’s prepared to face? Or would it be better to remain on Ahch-To, just the two of them?

But Ben persists. He brings it up while they gather food, over dinner, even at night as they lay in bed. Between kisses pressed to her lips, jaw, and neck, he breathily whispers it to her. He wants to repent, make up for his actions by helping rebuild. He needs to feel that this second chance is _real._ He hopes the Galaxy can see him working hard to redeem himself; that when they learn of his Dark deeds as part of the First Order, they are also reminded of his Light and his commitment to the Galaxy’s future. He knows he can’t run from his past, but he _can_ decide his future. He has a plan to nurture Force sensitivity throughout the Worlds and to ensure that no one else is ever subjected to the pain and isolation that he had felt as a child. _But,_ he tells her, _he needs her help to convince the Resistance._

She’s terrified to go back. But for him, she’ll do it.

\--

When they arrive, they’re met with shocked looks and furtive whispers. Resistance members gather, casting wary glances on Rey and her tall, mysterious companion. Finn is the first to step forward, opening his arms, his face somber. Rey steps into his embrace, tears welling in her eyes as she holds her friend close. “I’ve missed you,” she whispers, “and I wish I’d said goodbye.” Finn doesn’t respond, just hugs her tighter.

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees him. _Poe._ He stands off to the side, jaw locked. Rey knows what she has to do. She lets go of Finn, stepping back to see that there are tears in his eyes, too. She turns her attention to Poe.

“I’m sor–”

“I’m sor–”

The two look at each other. Rey motions for Poe to go first. He does. “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have resorted to hurtful words. And they _were_ – I _knew_ they would hurt you. It was… so unnecessary, so cruel. I never meant to make you leave, but I should’ve known better. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect and… I get it now.

“I was so afraid I’d never get to say this. Welcome back, Rey.”

Poe extends a tentative hand for her to shake. She grasps it in her own, wordlessly accepting his apology. “Poe, I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry I wasn't as useful as I should have been. I shouldn’t have been so closed off to the Resistance. I’m ready to help now, if you’ll let me. I want to help. _We_ want to help.”

Ben steps forward to stand next to her, intertwining her fingers with his own. His face is stoic, but the set of his jaw betrays his apprehension. Rey sees a spark of recognition in Poe’s eyes, and her breath catches in her throat. She can feel Ben’s tension pulsing through their bond in waves. But then Poe nods, and it’s like an unseen barrier has been lifted.  
  
Rey watches the silent exchange, her mind filled with thoughts of mended bridges and second chances and a bright, hopeful Galaxy. She realizes that she isn’t broken anymore; neither of them are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Thanks for reading! If you liked it, please feel free to leave kudos & comments!
> 
> You can find me on Twitter: [@ellex66](https://twitter.com/ellex66)


End file.
